I could write a blog a day! Not quite the ones I had written on my race, but real and full of words. But now, I do not have the time because my days are coincidentally so real and full. I feel I have been here a week and a year simultaneously because of how fulfilling and new everything is.
CGA is also my hardest time in life. The outward challenges of my last trip were nothing compared to the inner battle I now face on a daily basis. The war in my soul as I face my broken man constantly brings me to my knees, and I have no power of my own to bring me back up to stand. We dig into ourselves, becoming self aware of the person we are, and I often see a blackened stain in every aspect. Hidden sins are uncovered, lies I have believed are revealed, and I become distraught like never before. My heart is seen, vulnerable to attack. Outside of the walls I knew and did not know I built, it is revealed in an open field. But it is not my teachers nor my classmates who assault it. Not my mentor or my friends. I have been my own aggressor, trying to purge the evil I see in myself.
Do not be like this, this vanquisher of evil. I can speak from experience it does not work. Why have I thought it would? God does not do this, He saves! He does not attack our hearts, but blesses them! Have I sin? Yes, but I am not a sinner. If God calls me a son, then I will claim that title instead. I cannot be both. For if God has called us to bless and not curse, then I shall do that for myself. How can I love my neighbor as myself if I only see myself as one who is cursed? This has been a revelation in my mind, but only recently in my heart has it begun to take root. Now I feel saved again! Oh how many are the details of all this, and some still unfolding. My faith is a bit stronger, my hope more secure, and I can see and feel the love of the Father more deeply.
It’s hard to believe I am nearly halfway through my classes. I wish I had written sooner, but that would have been a dreary thing to read. But I am ready for this next part where I learn to better focus on Christ and chase into new depths of understanding Him. I am excited to dive closer to the core of His heart. I no longer am sure of what I will do afterwards, yet I am more ready for it now than I was when I had a plan. And I have another half to go!
Looking forward to coming home on thanksgiving! It will be an appropriate time as I have much to be thankful for!
